I Was Sexually Harassed When I Was a 9 Year Old Girl

QUESTION:

When I was a 9 year old girl I got sexually harassed by a 10 year old boy. Any thoughts? (Now I’m 16)

I don’t even know how to start talking about it… I’ve never really said anything about it before.
So basically we had some family friends who had a son. Let’s cal him G. Our families visited each other frequently, but we all knew that, unlike me, he had an awful behaviour and he obviously lacked a lot in his education.

His parents were so disgusting whenever they pushed things and tried to get me and him close and I felt really frustrated and disappointed became my parents wouldn’t fight against it.

So our families spent new years eve together at out house that year, meaning I was only 8 years old. Me, my baby brother and G were put to bed in my parents room when we all got really tired. And thankfully nothing happened that night. But… And I know that i don’t move in my sleep, especially when I’m really tired so this was an obvious set-up. G’s parents put my arm around him to look like i was hugging him in my sleep and took a photo. I felt really disgusted when they showed it to me the next day, whilst G was really proud and had started mocking me ever since.
Since then he had started getting physically really close to me and even though he wasn’t serious about it, only the fact that a 9-10 year old kid knows about rape and about sexual relationship and was using me as experimenting is sickening.

I remember him grabbing me from behind or trying to hump me or punning me down and getting really close whenever our parents weren’t present. For a 8 year old child that is traumatising.

Thankfully, his whole family moved to another country about two years later and we haven’t met at all since. Still, i sometimes see his face on social media and its sickening…

ANSWER:

It’s hard for someone like me to have any useful feedback or thoughts because I’ve never experienced anything harmful like this myself. I also have no training or expertise in mental health, outside of life experience and reading books. So take my “advice” with a grain of salt, and ultimately reach out to a specialist in your area!

But I’ll give you my thoughts anyways…

First of all, the other kid was also just a kid. He’s an idiot and had no idea what he was doing could harm you emotionally the way it might have. So hopefully looking back you can see that it’s hardly his fault for being aggressive and hurtful. 10 year old are idiots.

My point here is that you will find healing when you can see that it wasn’t personal. Or likely malicious.

His parents and your parents are certainly more at fault. They should have paid close attention to how you were responding in order to realize you felt uncomfortable. They should have protected you and they didn’t. And that obviously sucks!

But once again, the odds are pretty high that they’d didn’t realize the harm they were doing, and they likely didn’t see him being aggressive with you behind the scenes either. So they obviously dropped the ball, but I don’t think they were being malicious or purposely hurtful.

When it comes to trauma, and recovery, I’ve found the greatest place to start is to look back with perspective, and from a place of personal power. You’re older now, you likely have a developed a voice of your own. You’re better capable of keeping yourself safe, giving creepy people boundaries with touching you, and you’re becoming your own woman. And that’s awesome!

And from that place hopefully you can look back at those traumas, re-evaluate what they “mean” and with strength and self love, not take them personally. The people who hurt us ALWAYS are suffering their own traumas. And every time they lash out to hurt others it’s their way of coping with thier own insecurities, hurt hearts, and fears.

But more often than not those people hurt us by accident. Because they simply were in their own heads, in their own lives, and not paying attention to how they affected others.

I really believe that we don’t need the apologies of others to feel better about our past traumas. Because needing them to feel a certain way is us “needing” them in order for us to feel better. And that’s an external solution for an internal problem.

If you’re feeling terrible still about this past event, it’s YOUR responsibility to resolve it and heal it. If you need someone else to do that healing for you, then you’re never going to find what you need.

Basically my opinion is that in order to heal this trauma, or work towards healing it, you need to look back with perspective, try your best to see how those that hurt you didn’t mean to, it wasn’t personal, and that they had their own traumas. And in this way you can try to forgive their mistakes. That “forgive” portion is where you let go of Knott in your guts when you think about it.

I’d recommend a great book that has all these specific steps around healing past wounds. IT’s called “The Grief Recovery Hand Book” and it recommends you walk yourself through specific steps, with a partner, friend or councillor.

Grief Recovery

You should also consider reading other online materials, as a very easy first step, like Psychology Today.

Even you asking us strangers is a great way to create your own healing!

Ultimately I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m just trying to give helpful suggestions to help you FEEL better about the past. So that in future relationships you’re feeling more whole and healed and happy!

Do this hard inner work, you’re worth it! And good luck!

~ Robby

FOLLOW UP QUESTION:

Thanks a lot for putting the effort in replying like this=). Not anybody spends time writing so much. I’m a lot better now tho. It was just something I remembered from my past. The way it did affect me is i guess… The fact that it now difficult for me to be physically close to another person. Its also a phobia, haphephobia.

I can tell that the people around me feel me distant because of it too and it’s sometimes painful to not be able to enjoy hugs like normal people, even when they come from someone close to you, like my mother.

ANSWER:

I can’t imagine what it would be like to not want to hug those I love and care for.

Hopefully logically you can see that this phobia is made by you. The way these phobias gain power is when we reinforce them. And the way we remove them from our minds and bodies is by directly addressing them. In your case you should consider connecting with a phobia specialist. But there’s also great books.

The number one, fastest way to remove a phobia is to face it. Google “flooding technique” : Flooding, sometimes referred to as in vivo exposure therapy, is a form of behavior therapy and desensitization—or exposure therapy—based on the principles of respondent conditioning. As a psychotherapeutic technique, it is used to treat phobia and anxiety disorders including post-traumatic stress disorder. Here’s more about behavioural Therapy.

flooding

Basically allow yourself to hug everyone, all the time. Or find someone you love and ask them to help.

You’re very young so this is going to be something better addressed now, instead of when it’s been engrained in your system for another 10 years.

There’s no down side to taking control of your life and seeking help, and purposely trying to remove any trauma based fears and personality traits.

Also, google “attachment styles” because you’re clearly now an “avoidant” which will also harm future intimacy and romance. The more you can learn about yourself, the more you can adjust and re-direct yourself.

We are all just people with traumas. Those of us who address and change find the most peace and happiness. Everyone else is living in reaction. Don’t live in reaction or you’ll always feel like a victim, and you’ll always be treated like one.

You got this!

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